Mental Alcoholism: A Lifelong Battle With Depression

 

*Let me preface this by saying that I have not been clinically diagnosed with depression nor am I on anti-depressants. Though I am strongly considering it and will most likely seek either therapy and/or medication at some point in 2022*

I have been living with depression for most of my adult life. I think many of us have the misconception that depression are intense feelings of sadness, like when people say "i'm so depressed..." staying home, watching TV, eating ice cream out of the carton, and wallowing in self-pity. 

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me depression looks like going through days, weeks, and months in a perpetual haze, like a giant fog that you can't see through. It looks like showing up for work everyday and going through the motions and hoping no one criticizes or even worse, compliments me in my work. It looks like scrolling through social media for puppy videos and memes, for those little shots of dopamine to get me through the next hour. It looks like nights in bed falling asleep hoping that your dreams will give you a break from yourself. It looks like going out on dates looking to actively self-sabotage yourself so that when your date inevitably ghosts you or bothers to text the next morning that she didn't feel a romantic connection, it's confirmation bias that you're going to die alone anyways. And getting to that, it's entertaining thoughts of suicide on a regular basis, not because it's some cry for help, but because you're just so f*cking tired.

I thought this was just something people just lived with. Growing up in a Christian household and also in a sheltered, suburban bubble suicide wasn't something people did. It wasn't until Kurt Cobain's death that the possibility even dawned on me. It was the ultimate sin, a one-way ticket to Hell that put one next to child murderers and gay people (said in the most sarcastic tone possible). It wasn't until I got older and more and more people that I admired (Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, etc) were lost to suicide did it become a real thing to me. Not as something that's the ultimate sin, not as a coward's way out, but a disease akin to something like cancer.

A more apt comparison may be alcoholism. For alcoholics who successfully go through AA, they know that they are "recovering alcoholics" but that they indeed remain alcoholics. It's a part of you that never goes away, they're just given the tools to quiet the demons. That's how I can best describe what it's like to live with depression. It's living with a demon inside our heads, whether you want to call it doubts, insecurities, self-hatred. Some days the demon is quiet so it's barely audible and some days it's so loud that you can't hear anything but. But it's always there.

The last few months have made me very aware of my triggers my depression and gives my demons a megaphone. It preys on my biggest fears of self-worth and unconditional love. It takes everything that's happening and distorts it through that lense. Why am i not good enough? What makes you think you'll get the fairytale ending? You add everything that's going on with our society with the pandemic and people's self-interest being responsible for over a million deaths, the rise in hate crimes, social inequality, the climate crisis, etc. Depression looks like trying to save a world that seems to actively want their own destruction. How can one not feel like it's hopeless? Maybe Thanos was on to something. *Snap* Experiencing heartbreak because the person you love is resigned that she can't have both physical and emotional chemistry in the same person and all I can do is standby and watch, while my heart die a slow, agonizing death. What kind of cruel irony is that the person that makes you feel the most seen and valued, can also make you feel like the least desirable person on the planet? Unless it confirms my fears that yes, life is cruel and it's more humane to put it out of its own misery rather than fall deeper into a coma.

I continue to do all my forms of self-care, reach out to the people close to me, and recognize all those little moments of gratitude. There's nothing wrong with my life, my life is actually something I'm proud of creating. But depression doesn't operate in right or wrong, good or bad. It's a demon that perpetually lives inside of me, speaking to me. 

Shhh, did you hear that?