Prologue: Side Character Energy: A Reluctant Protagonist
For much of my adult life I have been a supporting character in my own story. Working for and under accomplished, powerful women. Working in non-profit, first in multi-cultural education and now in domestic violence. The wingman to female friends who lit up every room they walked into with their beauty, style, grace, and larger than life personalities. I felt comfortable in their shadows, this was their show and it didn't have to be about me.
That's not to say that I've been silent. Often times I was hiding front and center. I was a Managing Director and MC for professional development workshops. I emerged as a Site Administrator at my current job and often serve as a mouthpiece for my boss. I use my platform and intersectional privilege to amplify marginalized voices, whether it's anti-racism, women's, and LGBTQ issues. I highlight the accomplishments of others, both individuals I know and those who I admire from afar.
How did I find myself in a supporting role? Part of it is growing up in a AAPI community that values the collective over the individual. For children of immigrants, we are raised to consider how the actions, successes and failures of the individual reflect on the larger community. Make us proud. Don't bring us shame. While that create an overwhelming sense of belonging to have an entire community root for you (like when Bong Joon-Ho won the Oscar for Best Picture and Best Director), it can also create a sense of isolation and rejection of you fail to live up to the "Model Minority Myth" (coming home with that first B on your report card).
Combine that sense of collective identity to my own intrinsic, idealist notion that I have to find purpose and channel my energies into causes bigger than myself. I was never driven by money because I had the luxury of growing up never worrying where my next meal was coming from nor did I fall into the competitive trap of "keeping up with the Kim's" that claimed so many Korean families with their luxury cars and homes. Why did my family of 3 need to live in a 5 bedroom house in La Canada except to show off our success? It's why I was such a "bad Korean" that I didn't become a doctor, lawyer, or at least a stable CPA job that guaranteed career stability and financial security. I found a home in non-profit and I'll probably always remain in the non-profit sector.
But the biggest reason I've been a supporting role in my own story? A lack of self-worth. A belief that my life didn't matter as much. Why step out on my own when I can remain under the shadow of my mentor, Helie Lee, and work under her? She's published books, rescued several members of her family out of North Korea, and appeared on Oprah!!! Look at the Squad (AOC, Pressley, Tlab, Omar, Bush, and Bowman) and their incredible ability to organize and champion some of the more important causes in our communities! I'm proud to have some badass friends that I tout every chance I get because I want other to recognize and acknowledge their genius as well.
What about me? You don't want to know about me. I'm not anyone special. My story isn't remarkable. I don't have any major tragedies or obstacles I've had to overcome. No major accomplishments anyone will remember me by. No one will want to read my memoir nor see a movie about my life. Who the f*ck cares about my story?
Which brings us to this project. I'll be turning 40 years old this year, a milestone I didn't think I'd reach (more on that later). After living in the shadows for so long, this is a declaration of life and exploration of self-worth. Over the next several weeks, I'm going to share my life in all it's messy glory. Of love and heartbreak. Of acceptance and rejection. Of joy and sadness. Of life and death. I'm finally telling my story, even if it's to an audience of one.
Thank you and enjoy the show. Please don't leave any soda or popcorns in the aisles.
"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." - Sunset Blvd (1950)
Photography by: https://www.zacharyleeportrait.com
It's not a coincidence that the photo was inspired by film noir. As a protagonist, I share my qualities with a noir character: deeply flawed, haunted by my past, guided by my own moral compass, prone to disillusionment & pessimism.
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