Chapter 12: Wonderings, Regrets & Hindsight is 2016
If you've ever played Conversation Question Card Games at social gatherings, you may have encountered some version of the question "if you could go back in time and change [or relive, redo, etc] something, what would it be?". Based on how you define the question, there are so many ways you can go with this. Do you take the prompt on a macro level, like change the outcome of the 2016 Election? That way we would not be stuck with 3 Supreme Court justices who all lied under oath and have effectively turned America into The Handmaid's Tale (I actually haven't seen the show yet; too triggering). As a nation we would have had a more pro-science response to COVID-19, less misinformation, and possibly hundreds of thousands of preventable deaths. Instances of police brutality and murders of unarmed black folx long pre-dated 2016 so how would a Hillary Clinton administration addressed the murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, BLM, and domestic terrorism from white nationalists? Would the response to mass shootings and gun violence be any different? Even if you argue that in regards to mass shootings and racial inequality Clinton administration would be similarly underwhelming or inept as the current Biden administration, I feel like the SCOTUS and COVID-19 responses would make changing the outcome of 2016 a net positive.
So let's take that question on a micro level: If you could go back in time and change or relive something from your past, what would it be? This goes into the benefit of hindsight. I can look back at something that was traumatic or unfavorable and make a different choice based on what I know now. What would it be like to experience high school again without the depression and anxiety? Maybe I would have chosen not to follow the same Honors and AP track that many of my AAPI peers. Then I wouldn't have tried to be a Model Minority and "keep up with the Kims". I would have been much more content with my grades and not made to feel like an abject failure for getting rejected by UCLA. Maybe I would have known how quickly high schoolers jump from one relationship to the next and simply asked Anita out on a date instead of waiting for the proper amount of time out of respect for "guy code". Maybe then I wouldn't have subsequently fallen into depression my entire sophomore year and had my first suicidal thoughts. I could have had my first date, first high school sweetheart, and moved on like everyone else seemed to do. Instead I experienced the heartbreak with none of the other things. Maybe I would have enjoyed attending pep rallies and school assembles; instead of hiding in the bathroom for 15-20 minutes until everyone was gone and then sitting alone outside my locker listening to my CD player. That should have been a sign that I was suffering from depression and/or social anxiety. Maybe I would have asked Julia, the first girl who seemed to show any interest in me, to senior prom instead of being the good friend again and letting my friend Han ask her out. Then again, I wasn't fully invested in the idea of going to prom and they ended up having a lovely time.
If I had the opportunity to relive high school with the knowledge and hindsight I have now, would anything be significantly be different? I used to imagine that I would be a lot more popular but that would be inaccurate. I had no interest in running with the popular crowd then, and I would have no interest in changing that. Maybe I would have joined the rainbow club and my allyship toward the LGBTQIA+ community would have started earlier. My high school diet consisted largely of soda, instant ramen, chips, and Jack in the Box tacos, so I would have definitely eaten healthier. My fashion sense would definitely be better and I wouldn't have dressed like a "Korean cholo" in my gold chains, outsized baggy shirts and jeans. Online shopping was not available in the late 90's but I would know to go bargain hunting at Ross, TJ Maxx, and Goodwill. I would have more self-confidence to ask girls out on dates and not been such a late bloomer. But really, would any of those changes in my high school experience add any significant value to my life now? Not really. Maybe I'd look at my high school yearbook more often.
I can definitely think of a regrettable decision/choice I made in college that I would like a do-over on. During my freshman year at UC Irvine I enrolled in an easy A freshman seminar class designed to help new students adjust to college life and engage in a series of small group discussions among students and faculty. One week the subject of Campus Sexual Violence came up as the faculty discussed various measures to help address campus rape. When we discussed what we could do to reduce the risk of sexual violence, suggestions like walking in pairs and around well lit areas. The faculty informed us of blue phones positioned around campus where they could immediately report an incident. When I further suggested that female students need to be mindful of what they're wearing, in my ignorance and naiveté thought I was being progressive. There's no telling what kind of effect my statement had and if it later dissuaded a peer from coming forward and reporting sexual violence.
Two years later I took a Sociology of Sexuality course where the professor raised the argument that sexual violence is the only crime where we ask what the victim is wearing; one of the many reasons why so many are scared to come forward and report sexual assault. We never ask the victim of a mugging or robbery what they were wearing, especially if they're a man. We never say that they were "asking for it". And of course it doesn't matter what a woman is wearing, she could be in a habit or in the nude and it still doesn't justify sexual assault. I was embarrassed by my problematic "what was the victim wearing" opinion and vowed never to take a woman's appearance or her sexual history to ever insinuate "she was asking for it". That's something I regretted and took to heart; I refused to chalk it up to not knowing any better. But since I knew better now, what would I do with that? I learned about R. Kelly urinating on a minor in 2002 and laughed at the Chappelle's Show "Piss On You" sketch and still listened to and bought his music until the late 2000's until I could no longer separate the art from the artist. Do I acknowledge the huge role he played in my formative music consumption? Yes. Will I ever listen to his music again? No, thank you. In the summer of 2003 Kobe Bryant was accused of sexual assault in Eagle, Colorado and I observed the narrative that gave the high profile athlete the benefit of the doubt and painted the woman as an opportunist based on her sexual history. Whether the incident was consensual or not, whether it began as consensual and later crossed the line, whether she saw an opportunity and was still sexually assaulted, or whether the entire encounter consensual and she falsely accused him of rape, I refused to see these as mutually exclusive outcomes. I definitely wasn't going to say that "she knew what she signed up for and was asking for it". How we talk about sexual assault and consent has advanced in many ways but we still have so much room to grow. Since then I have devoted my life to supporting and advocating for survivors of sexual violence, and played a significant factor in my decision to enter the field of domestic violence.
"But then, I suppose, when with the benefit of hindsight one begins to search one's past for such 'turning points', one is apt to start seeing them everywhere." - Kazuo Ishiguro
If I could go back and change or relive an experience, would I do it? I'm not Randall Floyd from Dazed and Confused who's life peaked in High School. There are certainly some concerts and meals that I would like to go back and linger for a while longer; I knew in the moment that they were special. Those are memories I cherish. But to go back and do over certain periods in my life for a better outcome? No, I'd rather not relive my childhood, high school, or college. I'd rather take the handful of pleasant memories and leave those traumas behind. The same for past careers and relationships, every one of them taught me who I was and who I wasn't. I may still look over my shoulder from time to time to see how far I've come. Those turning points that revealed what parts of me were damaged and problematic and how I needed to grow and recalibrate. Depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts aside, "but did you die?" Not yet.
So I'm grateful things played out exactly the way they did and for all the turning points they created.
Except for the 2016 Election. I still think daily how that should have played out differently. Trump, Pence, McConnell, the SCOTUS, and White Nationalists (or Evangelicals, honestly same sh*t) can all go f*ck themselves.
Portrait Photography: https://www.zacharyleeportrait.com
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