Art: Squandered Talent, Pandemic Hobbies, Creating & Self-Expressing

Kumon math. Taekwondo. Piano Lessons. Cello Lessons. Flute Lessons. Noonnoopi. SAT Prep. I was one of many second generation AAPI who's parents insisted take up an extracurricular activity. Not only would it help it in the college application process (yes my tiger parents thought of this while I was still in elementary school) but it was a necessary diversion from me spending every afternoon watching television and playing video games. 

None of those hobbies stuck for long. The one day I forgot to wear a cup to Taekwondo, I participated in a sparring activity and was promptly kicked in the groin. Seeing as that I was never going to become the next Bruce Lee, I quit shortly with a brown belt and ZERO ability to defend myself in a fight. As much as I loved music, I didn't have any talent to play it. I never learned how to read sheet music fluently so in between piano lessons, I wrote the letters of keys in my music book so I knew which keys to play. My parents invested in a small piano that we kept in the den long after I had quit taking piano lessons, collecting dust and getting more and more out of tune. A cello and a flute, I'm hoping my parents rented, because neither lasted much longer than a few lessons. 

The one exception was art. I guess I always had some aptitude to draw, even if I was doodling my favorite Saturday morning cartoons like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman, and Darkwing Duck. So when my parents found an after school art center in La Crescenta, that was the one extracurricular activity I didn't vehemently rebel against. Twice a week from Grades 6 - 11, my babysitter picked me up from school and dropped me off at Elite Art Class. 

My art teacher introduced me to pastels, water colors, acrylics, oil paints, and etching techniques. I initially drew bowls of fruit and various landscapes. But ever the rebel, the only thing I was interested in was sketching portraits with my pencil. After I had grown out of my comic book phase, my obsession became drawing my favorite singers. Each month I brought my favorite CD and drew an image from the CD booklet. 

K-Ci Hailey from Jodeci 

Tony Rich Project "Words"

Sade "The Best of Sade"

Tony Braxton "Secrets"

Towards the end of my junior year of high school, I completed a portrait of R&B singer Aaliyah Haughton, my childhood crush and favorite singer at the time. I cut out a picture from Aaliyah from a magazine spread, I can't remember if it was from Vibe or Seventeen magazine, and brought it to my art teacher. It was the most painstaking process for my impatient mind. When I finished my sketch, I was ready to move on. But week after week my art teacher told me it was unfinished and showed me how much shading and shadows brought a picture to life. I'd work on my picture for another hour, claim to be finished, only to be told to work on it some more next week. One month later, it was finished. It was my masterpiece. The best thing I had ever created. There was no topping this, so I might as well stop here. 

Aaliyah Haughton, 1999

Little would I know that it would be the last time I picked up a pencil in nearly 20 years. I took art lessons because it was the least objectionable activity my parents required me to do. Yes, I took Ceramics in high school as an extracurricular activity and an easy A. I didn't see myself as having a talent for art, and therefore it wasn't something I needed to take care of. I wasn't going to major in Art in college, so why bother continuing. So I let my talent die.

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February 2020. I'm working as a Case Manager at a family Domestic Violence intervention program with predominantly Black colleagues. With a Black History Month celebration planned for our client families, we were all encouraged to read a poem, sing a song, or perform a dance that was meaningful to them. Having a deep fear of public performance, I volunteered to draw a portrait of someone I admired. Wanting to pick someone a little more unique than Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, etc. I decided it would be Nina Simone, someone who I considered the quintessential artist that reflected her time. Going through our supplies in the child therapy room, I found a sketch pad, pencils, permanent marker, and a box of color pencils. Being so out of touch, I put as little pressure on myself as possible. No one knew that I used to take art classes, it doesn't have to be any good. Just please resemble Nina Simone. Thankfully it was hit with my colleagues and clients, and afterwards my portrait was displayed in the work office. 

Nina Simone, 2020

When COVID-19 was first declared a worldwide pandemic in March of 2020, the entire world felt like it shut down. We were all advised to quarantine in our homes and only leave for emergencies & necessities. Many of us spent our time on Netflix rewatching our favorite shows, or finally watching those shows we had saved for a rainy day, or in this case a shut down country. I initially did the same, logging on to my HBO Max and watching Watchmen, Lovecraft Country, and the first season of The Wire for the first time. Additionally, I borrowed my best friend's Disney Plus password and caught up with The Mandalorian and get swept up in the hysteria of Baby Yoda. 

I walked outdoors. Read books. Solved 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles. By June 2021, I was running out of shows to watch and needed new hobbies. I looked at the picture of Nina Simone again and thought how fun it was to pick up a pencil and draw again. 

Why not draw again? Don't put any pressure on it, it doesn't have to be any good. Just draw one picture a month. At the very least it's great way to pass the time. 

Okay, fine. But what do I draw? I can't go through my CD collection and draw pictures from the booklets. Besides, no one releases CDs anymore, everything is digital. 

I had been inspired by several independent artists on Twitter, especially @PastaSauca who drew her favorite pro wrestlers, often blurring the lines of gender and sexuality. After the release of the interminably long Snyder Cut of Justice League on HBO, 4 hours dude? Seriously? and to coincide with Pride Month, I decided to do a reimagining of the characters as a multi-racial collection of LGBTQ+ heroes. 

JUSTICE LEAGUE LGBTQ

Is it my best work? No, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be good. What can I do next? I saw an acquaintance of mine, singer-songwriter Wanting Qu post a beautiful photo of her out hiking in Vancouver. I can try to draw that. 

Wanting Qu, 2021

I needed my next inspiration. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is my political hero. Her activism, her outspokenness, her Progressive values. She inspired me with her transparency, often jumping on IG Live to speak with her constituents and supporters after some major political event to explain in layman terms as well as share her authentic reaction. It helped me stay motivated and vigilant during the various campaigns of 2020. Plus she has an adorable French Bulldog named Deco. Done!

AOC & Deco 2024!!!

Squid Game, a South Korean survival drama series was released on Netflix on September 2021 and quickly became a worldwide phenomenon. Even with Parasite winning the Academy Award for Best Picture and BTS being one of the best selling music acts in the world, there hadn't been anything from South Korea that had gone this mainstream since arguably "Gangnam Style". It was definitely a cultural wave that I wanted to celebrate.

Squid Game

I'm having fun with art again. But I'm not sure if anyone would be able to know anything about me based on the art I created, aside from singers, movies, and shows I liked. I don't know if there's anything personal about my art. Maybe it's something I've been afraid to express, afraid that my talent isn't good enough, because I squandered it. That carries over into my overall fears of inadequency, that I'll never be good enough for anyone. Maybe that's why I've held back and been afraid to truly give myself wholly to creative expression.

"She is beautiful but her looks never stood a chance compared to how breathtaking her soul is" 

- Joseph Colombrita

Until Piper. A woman who absolutely floored me with her brilliance, her dedication, her wit, her strength, her resilience, her beauty, her vulnerability, her expression, her very soul. Meeting her was the beacon of light in the darkness of a worldwide pandemic. Someone who I immediately knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, in whatever capacity the universe dictates. 

She chose to participate in a powerful "30 Over 30 " project to document her journey & powerful self-expression. She shared one of those portraits as something she thought I would appreciate. She created a space that left me awestruck and inspired to do something I had never dared try before. I would try to express myself and my feelings through my art. I confronted my fears of squandered potential, damaged talent, and feelings of inadequency but they all couldn't measure up to the amount of love I felt swelling inside me. 

Over the New Years weekend and many of us typically make and immediately break our Resolutions, I took out my sketchpad and allowed myself to make love with every pencil stroke, repeating to her image over and over again, I see you and you are perfect. I will try to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

I don't know if it's the best picture I've ever drawn, but it's the most personal. I poured everything I had into doing her justice. I allowed myself to tap into my full humanity and feel everything simultaneously: love, admiration, hope, fear, joy, sorrow, desire, jealousy, heartbreak, gratitude. 

And unlike the previous subjects I had created, I was blessed to share my art with Piper. And I can take solace in that whatever happens in the future between us, I had the opportunity to share bare my entire soul to another person and be fully self-expressed in doing so. 

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Thank you God/universe for giving me the vessels of self-expression, even though I've largely been a poor steward. I promise to be better going forward. Thank you Aaliyah, Sade, Toni Braxton, K-Ci, Tony Rich, etc and the many others who initially inspired me. Thank you Wanting, AOC, Nina, etc. for inspiring me again. Thank you Piper for being my masterpiece. I may never do better, but I will never stop creating and expressing.