Chapter 15: The Hero's Journey Pt. 3: Gratitudes, Martyr Complex, and the Elixir

"Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. The goal of resilience isn't to just survive but thrive." - Jamais Cascio

Oh, you thought this Hero's Journey was over? Of course the hero's journey was going to be a trilogy. If it's good enough for The Godfather, Star Wars, and Captain America, then it's good enough for me. The journey for Michael Corleone didn't end with his ascendance to power, nor did it end when Cap found out his best friend Bucky was alive, nor did it end after Luke found out who his father was. I just hope this 3rd installment will be slightly better than The Godfather 3, which I contend is still quite good. 

In pro-wrestling vernacular this is the "false finish", when a wrestler absorbs another finishing move [signature attack] and then manages to escape the pin after the move. My hero's journey didn't conclude nice and neatly after I battled depression and suicide for the third time. I survived but then what? As anyone who's dealt with mental health issues may attest, therapy isn't the cure all; I still have my ebbs and flows. Nor was the journey complete when I found my career path, claimed my superpower (my Heart Ring), and/or almost "got the girl"; 2/3 ain't bad. None of those things filled my ultimate needs for acceptance, belonging, and unconditional love. While I was able to find gratitude for the various rewards and pyrrhic victories I counted along the way, my happiness remained fleeting.

Back in March, at the suggestion of my best friend Piper, I downloaded a gratitude app and began acknowledging things I was thankful for daily, whether big or small. In the beginning I knew the key for me was to be consistent and find something to post, whether I felt like it or not. It started off with morning walks with my puppy Nomah (roughly translating to "little punk" in Hangul) and traffic-free commutes to and from work. Sometimes they would be affirming Social media posts or listening to a Prince song. I documented whenever I received concerned texts from my friends and offers to meet up. While I felt those brief moments of gratitude, the depression remained. During a meeting with Zachary to receive the prints from my photoshoot, he posed that it's impossible to be unhappy while you're feeling gratitude so I was being inauthentic. Because gratitude and happiness are correlated, but does gratitude actually cause happiness? Maybe I was being inauthentic and I wasn't really grateful that people were reaching out. I did have to end a few conversations when their well intentioned messages and advice had the opposite effect and unintentionally invalidated my feelings. I chose to abruptly stop them, "I appreciate you reaching out but this is not helping". I chose to be an ungrateful asshole instead of committing more self-harm to try and prove some point. Don't tell people how they should f*cking feel! To be honest, I needed to wallow in my depression a little bit longer.

Over time the gratitudes began paying off and I began the road back from the abyss. I was able to dig deeper and explore gratitudes for those moments that did bring me happiness. I was able to recall memories like my mom successfully undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma and remaining cancer free after each check up. I was able to recall my dad being my unexpected ally in my time of need. I was even finding moments of gratitude in memories that had been painful. Even though I had a gradual falling out with Lexi, my best friend of 13 years, I was able to remember with gratitude how my inclusion at many of her family gatherings allowed me to experience a family dynamic completely different from my own AAPI upbringing. Her family were so much more affectionate and expressive with one another and they were so with me. Hugs and embraces used to make me uncomfortable because I was so starved for any kind of physical affection, my body literally didn't know how to respond to a nutritional hug. And through heartbreak I eventually found gratitude that I gained a new best friend in the woman I initially thought I was meant to spend the rest of my life with; a true pyrrhic victory if there ever was one. 

The most important stage and heroic step that defines the hero's journey is the resurrection. They are faced with some kind of death, whether it's literal or symbolic. Some aspect of their hopes and dreams will die. And through this sacrifice or surrender, they experience some form of mental or spiritual resurrection. For Luke Skywalker it was the final redemption of his father (yes George Lucas let's forgive his father for committing mass genocide). For Captain America it was betraying Tony Stark and tarnishing his legacy to protect his best friend Bucky. This personal resurrection has the effect of inspiring a large societal shift in response to the hero's selflessness. My hero's journey could have easily ended with a physical death had I remained in depression and anxiety for much longer. But that ending wouldn't have inspired anyone. This was my It's a Wonderful Life moment when George Bailey is shown what life would have been had he never existed. I assume that I would have gotten a few posthumous Social Media shoutouts but that my life had barely registered a ripple. I was so convinced by this that when Piper attended a funeral in February for her friend (f*ck you COVID), I told her that I wished it was me. I would have happily traded lives with her, a single mother of 3 who worked in the medical profession. Or I would have happily traded 50 years of my life for an 50 extra days of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's if it meant we wouldn't now be stuck with, if The Handmaid's Tale was a person, Amy Coney on the SCOTUS, which all but assured that Roe V. Wade would be overturned (which it did and we f*cking told you so!). When Piper immediately responded with "I don't", something shifted in me and I realized that what did need to die was my martyr complex.

The reason I was having a difficult time with authenticity in my gratitudes was that my work serving others wasn't often done from a place of joy but from a sense of obligation or guilt. My people pleasing and reluctance to say no came from the fear that people wouldn't love or accept me otherwise. It was the trauma from an Asian immigrant household and trying to live up to a Model Minority, trying to justify the sacrifices my parents made and the privileges I got to enjoy growing up. As Lynn Somerstein, Ph. D describes, the "always want to help, never succeed, and feel punished as a result" are all martyr tendencies that I had. It's what caused burnouts at work, strained relationships with my family and potential romantic partners, and general resignation about the world being "the way it is". It's why the majority of my hero's journey wasn't actually that heroic. Empathy in the form of self-sacrifice weren't acts of altruism, they were transactional. I was a f*cking mercenary who took on jobs and favors in exchange for "thank you's" and "you're the best". Do you think Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and MLK devoted their lives in service of others just so felt more accepted by their parents or more popular with their friends? Not unless the K stood for Martin Luther Kardashian. 

"The best leaders impact others by helping them to change themselves for the better and thus find their unique contribution to make in the world." - John C. Maxwell

The return with the elixir is the healing and multiplying effect the hero brings back to bring lasting change to the world. A hero's journey is a personal one but it also it's transformative in that they exist to right the wrongs of the world they inhabit. It's Tony Stark passing the torch to the next generation of heroes after he was instrumental in defeating Thanos. In the much criticized Justice League film, it's the formation of a team as a rallying cry to the response of Superman's sacrifice. The sacrifice of my martyr tendencies, to which my martyrdom still thanks me for its symbolic death, didn't necessarily bring any tangible changes in my life. I'm still the lonely introvert who struggles with acceptance, abandonment, and the belief that I can be loved unconditionally. I'm still the "bleeding heart" socially progressive do-gooder devoting my career to non-profit work and advocating for marginalized communities along racial, gender, sexual, and socio-economic lines. But instead of coming from a place of martyrdom, now coming from a place of greater self-acceptance, healthier boundaries, and sustainability. Who knows what effect my example will set. Maybe it'll encourage others to find a level of social and political activism that they can commit to without burning out. Maybe it'll encourage others to reject their model minority status and begin their own hero's journey, creating life's purpose on their own terms. And maybe it'll encourage other empaths to create spaces where other damaged but not broken romantics can join and create loving, secure attachment communities. 

For now I'm drinking the elixir and expressing my daily gratitudes more authentically, which has led to longer moments of sustained happiness. And I hope that's a more satisfying conclusion than The Godfather 3 was. 

Portrait photography by: https://www.zacharyleeportrait.com