Chapter 17: Epitaph, Self-Actualization, Prince & David Bowie

"Maybe he's found the answer to all the April snow" - Prince, Sometimes it Snows in April

The following portrait was inspired by album covers from two of my favorite artists, Prince's 1986 album Parade and David Bowie's 1977 album Heroes. They were two prolific genre defying singer-songwriters who constantly reinvented themselves and pushed the boundaries of gender image and sexuality. As a music nerd, I like to create debate topics like: if you measure the body of work in both quantity and quality, which artist had the greatest decade of music? Some of my qualifications: do they have 3 or 4 widely considered classic albums and several songs from that era that have stood the test of time? While Michael Jackson is synonymous with the 1980's like no other pop star, he technically only released 2 solo albums (Thriller in 1982 and Bad in 1987). Is that enough quantity to stack that up against every other artist and decade? For me, David Bowie in the 1970's and Prince in the 1980's are two that should be on everyone's short list. 

Another quality Bowie and Prince shared is the self-epitaph. For Bowie, it was apparent that he knew he was losing the battle to liver cancer and his final album Blackstar served as his swan song. The music video accompanying the single "Lazarus", released just 3 days before his death, depicted Bowie lying on his deathbed and prediction of his rising fame following his death. Bowie had famously stopped appearing in his own music videos because he didn't want his public image to be remembered as that of an aging rockstar, so it was doubly powerful to see his final days preserved through his art. Prince on the other hand didn't have the opportunity to make his final artistic statement, he was still writing, releasing music, and touring as prolifically as he had done for his entire career. But after his passing, his song "Sometimes it Snows in April" off his 1986 album Parade took on new meaning. Originally a soundtrack to accompany his self directed film Under the Cherry Moon (the film wasn't very good but it showed how much juice Prince had in the 1980's that Warner Bros green-lit this project). The song "Sometimes it Snows in April", a eulogy for the character Christopher Tracy (Prince's character in the film) was recorded on April 21st, the same date as his death 31 years later. 

Let me pause for a second and assure you that I'm not thinking of my life ending anytime soon. What fascinated me was the self-epitaph and considering how I'd want my life to be remembered? Slightly less morbid right? Okay, cool we can proceed.

If the first 15 weeks of my blog were dedicated to self-discovery, I'm setting the intention that these next 15 weeks are dedicated to self-actualization. It's a term I heard on the "Last Song Standing" podcast relating to Kendrick Lamar's career and dissection of his album Damn. That term resonated with me, so I went ahead and looked up the term. According to Simply Psychology (I'm sure there are better sources, but I got a C in my college Psychology class, mainly because I slept in class every week for the first half until I got a D on my mid-term. I double downed on my coffee consumption and rallied to get a B on my final exam to pull my overall grade to a C; still a fail on the Asian grading curve), self-actualization is "the complete realization of one's potential, and the full development of one's abilities and appreciation for life". Between Kurt Goldstein, Carl Rogers, and Abraham Maslow, I'll be going with Maslow's perspective on self-actualization. 

Maslow identified self-actualization as the final stage in the hierarchy of needs, something we strive for once our basic and psychological needs are met. While we all experience moments of self-doubt and self-confidence (and for some, like yours truly, they occur more frequently), practicing my daily gratitudes and self-care routines helped me to realize that my basic important needs are in fact met. Sure there are things I "want" more of, but as far as needs go, I'm whole and complete. A pattern many of us fall into is the belief that these inner yearnings mean that we need more: more money, more things, more fun, more love. Focusing my energy on those things haven't made me any happier, and I'm not sure if happiness is even attainable. So what could I do to create a greater sense of purpose? How can I learn how to be happier with myself?

"Self-actualized people are accepting of others' as well as their own flaws, often with humor and tolerance. Not only do self-actualized people fully accept others, they are also true to themselves rather than pretending in order to impress others." - Talevich, 2017

One of the lessons I learned from those Landmark courses and my career in Domestic Violence is meeting people where they're at. Everyone has their own unique upbringing, experiences, and traumas that have shaped their world view. For example, many of the families I work with at the DV shelter come from different cultural backgrounds and more importantly come from dysfunctional and frequent displacement from their households. As a result, there are certain assumptions and expectations I may have regarding housekeeping and maintenance that is unfamiliar with their lived experience. Most AAPI households I lived in and visited in my childhood all required us to remove our shoes inside the house, but that is a somewhat rare occurrence when I began entering homes from people of different ethnicities. It always takes me a second to remember that whenever I perform unit inspections at work and see shoe prints on the  floor left by the clients and their children. What is clean and acceptable to me regarding dirty dishes, taking out the trash, and piles of laundry may be completely different based on the home situation these families are coming from. What I had to quickly accept their experiences as their frames of reference and I couldn't expect them to be any different until I set clear expectations and helped them meet those expectations through modeling, positive reinforcement, and some gentle ribbing along the way. 

I've taken that same approach in my relationships with family, friends, and in dating. Meeting people where they're at. I realized the "I love them but..." and the "I can fix them" approach to relationships seldom if ever works (if you're one of those people, then congratulations you're clearly a more patient person than I am). Acceptance and love has to be unconditional. You don't choose a partner with the expectation that you're going to fix them to make them the perfect companion for you. That could be something as simple as how someone hangs the toilet paper roll or is perpetually fashionably late (for Los Angeles I feel like there's a built in 15-20 minute grace period unless you're me and you're annoyingly 15-20 minutes early). You choose them flaws and all, you work through any issues through communication, and if they want to better themselves then you support them in their journey. Granted it's not always so cut and dry, and some things like remaining with a partner struggling through some kind of addiction because their "flaws". But what I'm getting at is that I learned that I'm not responsible for fixing anyone and that any sustainable growth has to come from within themselves. If you're partner, friend, or family member is STILL a Trump supporter, it's not your job to fix them. Frankly, if they haven't figured that one out by now they're a sunk cost and there's no reason to drown with them. I accepted that we probably won't "save" them but we could decide whether we continue that relationship, friendship... family can be more difficult but we can choose how often we see them and bring others around them. I didn't justify their beliefs or rationalize "they are otherwise a great person", I accepted them for who they were, acknowledged that it was a hard boundary for me, and chose to end those relationships outright. I could be pretty ruthless and unforgiving that way.

I am similarly learning how to fully accept and be true to myself. Some of that has been practicing self-care and embracing the creative outlets that make me happy. It makes me happy to consume music and films while simultaneously organizing playlists in my head. I'm sure that would stress other people out, but I find enjoyment when I put myself in the shoes of an artist and consider the decision behind a specific music arrangement or vocal inflection in a song. No, I don't want to dance to this song in the club; I want to dissect a song and understand how Prince's brilliant mind works (I'm halfway convinced he was an alien). After abandoning my hobby in high school but it was no longer cool, I have rediscovered a love of comic books and graphic novels and take pride in the library I'm slowly collecting. I continue to appreciate the performance of professional wrestling though its fans are stereotyped as sexless booger eaters. Yes, I know it's "fake" (the outcomes are predetermined) but I challenge anyone to watch Minoru Suzuki (who I affectionally refer to as "Murder Grandpa") deliver a violent palm strike to his opponent's chest and tell me that sh*t doesn't hurt. Sometimes it means turning down invitations to social outings (especially at clubs and bars), not only for COVID precautions, but also because I'd honestly spend a quiet evening reading, listening to my own specific music desires, and watching my rude puppy sleep peacefully. 

In a deeper sense, being true to myself is aligning all aspects of my life with my values. It's not about the size of my house or my bank account, or the model of car I'm driving. It's having a small circle of friends I can be authentic with. It's having a career that allows me to expend my energy in the field of social justice and advocacy. It's standing for the possibility of secure attachments and creating relationships that are healing, empowering, and enriching. 

"It's all connected. Your gifts, your circumstances, your purpose, your imperfections; your journey, your destiny. It's molding you. Embrace it." - source unknown

I think that's what I'd like my epitaph to be. Self-actualization of my life with my values. With Prince's "Sometimes it Snows in April" playing at my funeral. 

"All good things, they say, never last. And love, it isn't love until it's past" 

Portrait Photography: https://www.zacharyleeportrait.com