Chapter 20: Reality of Truth; Acceptance and Possibilities

"The reality of truth is not to be bought, to be sold, to be repeated; it cannot be caught in books. It has to be found from moment to moment, in the smile, in the tear, under the dead leaf, in the vagrant thought, in the fullness of love." - Jiddu Krishnamurti

I was tasked with having a difficult conversation with a client this week: she was to be given a move out date from our Transitional Program for failure to adhere to our guidelines. When families enter our domestic violence shelter, there's not a lot asked of them. They are expected to work and/or go back to school. If they are not currently working, then they are expected to attend domestic violence classes going over topics like parenting, anger management, and self-empowerment. They are not regular tenants so they are expected to keep their units, 1 bedroom apartments, clean everyday. They are not required to pay rent or utilities but they do have to put money away into a savings account; money put away that they will receive back upon completion of the program. They do have to adhere to a curfew and strongly encouraged to maintain sobriety, at least not have any drugs or alcohol on site. Sure grown adults don't like having rules imposed on them, however many families come from dysfunctional home environments that lacked structure and it can be a small price to pay considering the high cost of living in Los Angeles. And it's sure as hell better than continuing to fear for your life while continuing to live with an abuser or live out on the streets, right?

This specific client had difficulty in the program from day one. She already had 2 small children and somehow managed to get pregnant again while being currently enrolled in our shelter. Due to her pregnancy and lack of a high school diploma/GED, she wasn't working. She enrolled in online classes so that she could earn her high school diploma but she's been inconsistent with her attendance and engagement. She wouldn't attend our FREE domestic violence classes. She was receiving public assistance (TANF, Food Stamps, WIC) and still run out of food every month and fail to put any money into her savings. And to top it off, she was a slob and weekly her unit would be a mess with trashed piled up, unwashed dishes, dirty floors, and occasionally used diapers that were left on the bed. From the outside, she fit the stereotype of the "welfare queen", the myth perpetuated by conservatives and popularized by Ronald Reagan as a racist dog whistle depicting an undeserving aid recipient getting rich off the backs of taxpayers. The "welfare queen" moniker was based on an actual person, an extreme outlier who committed welfare fraud and cheated the system, but the term was used to demonize all welfare recipients, especially black single mothers. Never mind the fact that welfare is often a bandaid and invariably traps a woman in poverty: they don't receive anywhere near enough to ascend above the poverty line, and though there are subsidies for child care, many of the jobs available to single women (without a formal education) don't pay a living wage, don't offer health insurance, medical, and other benefits that their young children desperately need. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. While there are certainly success stories of those who are able to rise above poverty, the system isn't designed for everyone to do so. It takes a lot of grit, determination, social capital (family support system, making the right connections, etc), and a certain amount of luck.

Even with my Sociological background and trauma informed lenses, it was hard not to be frustrated with my client and dismiss her as one of the "undeserving" that conservatives love to point out. You know the proverb, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". I learned quickly at my job and through the pandemic when we temporarily housed over 100 DV families at a Los Angeles hotel in addition to our regular DV sites. Our shelter program is designed for more self-sufficient living so you can't save everyone; you try to help as many families as you can and celebrate the wins. I brought with me to the conversation with my client the macro sociological perspectives as well as the perspective of witnessing other families go through our program with varying degrees of successes and failures. But what I didn't fully grasp was her individual experience and what shaped her experiences and decision making. With all that said, I wanted to understand why my client was blowing this opportunity in our program, especially since she didn't have any viable alternatives. Sparing the details of the conversation, the understanding I arrived at wasn't the client's failure to understand what our program guidelines were and what benefits we provided, but someone who was trying to juggle many tasks and misplacing her short-term and long-term priorities. So after listening to what she's been focusing on and acknowledging the efforts she's put into finding employment and securing child care services for her child, I specifically spelled out the things she needs to keep doing to remain in our Transitional Living program as well as talk about how she can satisfy those requirements.

Self actualized people have a sense of reality and truth. They may seem more grounded and in touch with actual possibilities and have an easier time detecting falseness from other people.

Why did I share this anecdote from work? Was I that starved for content? Would you have preferred me try to weave in a House of the Dragon or She-Hulk: Attorney at Law analogy? I've done the topical pop culture references, so I'm just trying to keep things fresh here. The reason I talked about work was that it was a reminder of acceptance. It's not easy to like people when they're being problematic, difficult, and/or you see them self-sabotage. But you can still practice empathy and extend compassion because we're all dealing with past trauma that has shaped our current circumstances. That's not to say I don't tell my client when I believe she's lying, being disingenuous, or making excuses for her f*ck ups. But it doesn't mean I characterize her as a f*ck up. It means listening and accepting that she does in fact care, and recognizing what she needs is guidance. I can acknowledge that she will not reach the general savings goal we set for our clients, she's mismanaged her budget for the duration of her stay. However, I do believe that she can still learn how to budget responsibly, secure Public Assistance and Child Care services for her children, and secure employment before she exits our program (our Transitional Program has a maximum of 2 years). One could look at it as lowering expectations; another way to look at it is acknowledging what's transpired, continue to identify and work with the client with her decision making, and set attainable goals that she can accomplish with her remaining time. It means not relitigating past mistakes and harping on mistakes already made, continue standing for her possibilities, but ultimately giving her the agency to choose what she will do with it.

It's accepting the past traumas and internalized stories that frame how I view the world and how people and circumstances occur for me.  It's self-actualized to accept people as they are currently while recognizing our society has malnourished the majority of us. It's remaining politically and socially engaged in the presence of racial and gender inequality, attacks on LGBTQ, women's bodies, gerrymandering, voter suppression, police brutality, etc. I don't blame anyone who's completely jaded and nihilistic by now. But it's accepting the reality and truth that we outnumber those who defend the white male, nationalist, heteronormative status quo. But it's accepting the disproportionate wealth and institutional influence they may wield and being in touch with actual possibilities (let's be honest, it's a very uphill battle and the odds continue to be stacked against us). That our power is in grassroots and mobilization and not trusting in the campaign promises of "white allies"; who will give lip service to social equality and who may throw a few scraps our way, but will always value their self-interests over anything that doesn't benefit them directly. It's claiming every small victory along the way because we accept we are greater than the sum of our institutions.

As it relates back to me and my story, I need to be grounded in my own individual reality and truth. it's taking those things and recognizing when I need to hold myself accountable for my own bullshit. It's recognizing and addressing low self-esteem and self-sabotage as trauma responses that I'm working through, without fully characterizing myself through my traumas. It's accepting that I needed therapy and things like music, sketching, and this very blog to keep me grounded. It's accepting that for all the self-work, affirmations, healing, etc. that I absorb from others, through books, et al, I will ultimately find self-worth, self-love, meaning, and purpose through lived experience, through trial and error, and more heartbreaks that will make me question if any of this is worth it. 

The truth is that I really f*cking care and that my reality is a reflection of that, but we all need a little guidance along the way.

Portrait Photography: https://www.zacharyleeportrait.com