Chapter 25: Man and Superman; Heaven and Hell & Creative Purpose

"Creativity gives hope that there can be a worthwhile idea." - Edward De Bono

March 8, 2022. "Let me know if there's something else you want to try", Zach says to me as he rests on the couch for a few minutes. We're nearly three hours into the photoshoot and we took a few photos in my white linen shirt and pants outfit with some black chiffon fabric draped over my head (see last week's blog; yes, I would greatly appreciate a few more views). The contrast in colors and lighting weren't working well. I did have one more look that I wanted to try. At this point I felt relatively comfortable in front of the camera, Zach and I had already took three different sets of photos. The Prince playlist I had curated for the photoshoot (selections from my top 20 Prince albums, in descending order, starting with 2 tracks each and adding an extra song after each group of 5, i.e. 2 songs for albums #20-16, 3 songs for albums #15-11 and so forth; yes I know VERY OCD) was the perfect source of inspiration. 

I had reached the Dirty Mind portion of my playlist and I felt the spirit of Prince talking to me. No, it didn't tell me to purify myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. I went back to the dressing room to put on a pair of black spandex briefs, black pantyhose, black arm sleeves, and apply black eyeliner (thank you Serena for the tutorial the week before). As someone who grew up with self-confidence and body dysmorphia (still seeing myself through the lense of the chubby kid I was), I wanted something that took me out of my comfort zone. Zach was underwhelmed when I initially showed him the individual pieces but when I emerged from the dressing room as some amalgamation of Prince, David Bowie, and Frank-N-Furter (Tim Curry's character from The Rocky Horror Picture Show) I felt completely in my own skin. Self-Expressed. Uninhibited. Fierce. Like some androgynous superhero. In the moment I instantly knew this would be my favorite set from the photoshoot.

Self-actualized people are creative. Creativity doesn't just refer to artistic abilities. Some self-actualized people might have a knack for looking at problems in new ways or thinking along different lines than other people do. They may simply lack inhibition, another characteristic of a spontaneous nature. 

I really wish I was born with artistic abilities. As much as I love, live, and breathe music I never did learn how to read sheet music. And I lacked the hand-eye coordination and dexterity in my fingers to play the piano or guitar adequately. Nearly a year's worth of piano lessons at 8-9 years old and today I can play the first part of chopsticks. I was jealous of my church friends in high school who effortlessly played the intro to K-Ci & JoJo's "All My Life". My parents had me try my hand at cello, which was even more disastrous as my hands cramped to even grip the bow. For the one month I took flute lessons, I struggled to blow into the hole (insert "that's what she said" joke here, you're welcome) and lacked the breath control to play without getting light headed. Not only can't I play any musical instruments, I'm a terrible dancer too. We're talking minimal rhythm with heavy "lead" feet and knee tendonitis. So unless my dear friend Marissa teaches me some basic choreography that I can memorize, I'm happy to be a wallflower (RIP Tom Petty) and bop my head and move my shoulders from my seat. 

Fine, I have some artistic ability with sketching so I'm not completely devoid of creative bones in my body.

While in college I went through a serious George Bernard Shaw phase that began shortly after watching the movie Love Jones where Nia Long's character corrects Larenz Tate when he attributed a quote to Mozart. To coincide with my advancement in my Sociology degree and consumption of anti-Capitalist, anti-racism, and intersectional feminist course books, reading Bernard Shaw's works felt subversive to the curriculum approved works of Shakespeare. The social, political, and moral questions posed in Shaw's plays like Mrs. Warren's Profession, The Devil's Disciple, and The Apple Cart resonated with me far longer than the mastery of language, prose, and storytelling of Billy Shakes. I read over a dozen of Shaw's plays and short stories and even bought a DVD box set of The Shaw Collection, featuring 10 different BBC productions of Shaw's plays, for my birthday. My favorite book of his was and remains Man and Superman. Within the play, there is a separate scene in the third act of the play, called "Don Juan in Hell" which is a philosophical debate between the characters of Don Juan, Doña Ana, the Commander (her father), and the Devil, on the nature of heaven and hell, good and evil, and human purpose. 

Why is it my favorite play and book (while also acknowledging the dated gender attitudes that was very much a commentary on gender politics in respectable British society)? Why did I choose to reread "Don Juan in Hell" this week while I was struggling with anxiety? For one, I have not seen a more thought provoking depiction of Heaven and Hell. This wasn't the typical portrayal of the pearly white gates, walking on clouds and angel harps; nor was it fire and brimstone while the damned wail in perpetuity. Instead Shaw's concept of Hell as the home of beauty, romance, frivolity and toxic positivity. It's full of people who valued honor, duty, propriety, and every other self-righteous virtue that caused them to commit acts of wickedness (I'm looking at you DeSantis and Cruz; though I hope the Hell y'all go to is the Bible study version with fire and pitchforks). The revelation was that the damned were happy in Hell because there was no responsibility, no consequence, no purpose; one simply amused themselves for eternity. Conversely, Heaven was a space for self-understanding, identifying and working toward one's higher purpose. I think therefore I am; but if I think more so therefore I must be more. As Don Juan describes, "To be in Hell is to drift: to be in Heaven is to steer". 

Shaw's version of Heaven in "Don Juan in Hell" felt very much in line with the Social Gospel activism of the Progressive movement in the early 20th century. It sought to apply Christian ethics to address social problems like economic inequality, poverty, racism, child labor, and housing crises. Funny how we're still dealing with those same issues despite all these advances in technology. I resented the type of Korean Christianity I grew up with that took tithes from the community without giving anything back, usually offering "thoughts and prayers" and other passive forms of lip service. The church stood erected as a beacon of virtue, honor, and piety to make people feel good about themselves and maintain the status quo. Count your blessings but don't rock the boat. But the foundations weren't rooted in anything; because as they taught me "faith without works is dead". So what actual work were we doing? Not a g*ddamn thing.

Flashback to the recent past on April 9th when I had dinner with a Korean American acquaintance that I've known for almost 10 years. Mia and I initially met on a dating app but ultimately decided we were better off as friends. So over the years I helped edit her graduate school papers and she'd hook me up with CBD products. As another "plant based preferred" person who's dabbled in veganism, we'd meet at various vegan restaurants and street fairs. On this night we met in Long Beach and were catching up after not seeing one another in almost 5 months. I shared that I was coming out of a bout of severe depression and recently began therapy. I thought this was a safe space as she shared her own ongoing therapy routine. When I asked if the subject of mental health is something that she felt like she could share with her friends, she said no. She had made peace that her mental health was something she'd only share with her therapist and that her friends were more so activity partners. And I felt a sadness in that because I know that wouldn't work for me. If I didn't have my small group of friends that actively didn't care about my well-being, I would have already lost my life to suicide. I lamented that if something ever happened to me, how long would it be before anyone realized I was gone? 

"That's just the way it is, Daniel". Maybe you think it's an overreaction to end a 10-year friendship over a seemingly innocuous statement. And when I say end, I promptly deleted her number from my phone after I got home that night. And when Mia received out a few months later (her message showed up on my laptop) asking if I was available to meet up for Korean food and edit a paper of hers, I quickly responded with no, I didn't have time. Admittedly I can be pretty harsh and cold blooded when I finally cut someone off from my life. But not when you're coming out of depression and thoughts of suicide. 

Her comment was triggering on a multitude of levels. That kind of nihilistic thinking would have kept me in depression and anxiety until one day something did happen to me. It's the kind of nihilistic thinking that maintains the status quo of racial, gender, and economic inequality. It's the kind of nihilistic thinking that allows the next school shooting after thoughts and prayers of "never again". It's the kind of nihilistic thinking that allows the next national disaster to ravage an American city without anything done to address the climate crisis (Dear DeSantis, Rubio, Abbott, and Cruz go f*ck yourselves). It's the kind of nihilistic thinking that allows for more Mahsa Amini murders and threatens the safety of every other woman (and allies) who fight for Women's rights and body autonomy. This nihilistic reality is the definition of hell on earth to me, and with the recent heatwave it feels like we're getting closer and closer to that reality. 

Even though I may lack a lot of creative bones, what I don't lack for is a creative soul. I refuse to dismiss the social problems in our society as "that's just the way it is". So I try everyday to understand myself, my place in this world, and how my self-actualized self can be a vessel for change. Sometimes that means reinventing and recreating oneself. Could I have imagined when the #MeToo movement began that I would be entering the field of domestic violence? Nope, I was aimlessly adrift to every Lyft ride request I was answering while imagining a bigger purpose for me post KAFE. Could I have imagined that starting this blog series would have resulted in my friend Audria asking me to participate in a podcast about Conscious Sexuality? Sometimes I feel like the least qualified person to talk about anything sex or relationship related with all my past traumas and misadventures. But I knew that I wanted to share and leverage my experiences to bring some sort of mutual understanding and healing to others. And based on the readership of my blog entries, maybe the podcast will allow me to reach a much wider audience and make a bigger impact. 

We are all born creators. And if we embrace that truth, then we also understand that creators create. And that to me, is the actualization of "thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven": when an entire community is activated and in tune with improving themselves and the communities they belong to. 

"I tell you that as long as I can conceive something better than myself I cannot be easy unless I am striving to bring it into existence or clearing the way for it. That is the law of my life." - Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

Portrait Photography: https://www.zacharyleeportrait.com