Chapter 16: Checking In, Recaps, and the Montage

"You've always been what you are. That's not new. What you'll get used to is knowing it." - Cassandra Clare

One of my favorite movies as a child was Rocky IV, the epitome of 1980's excess, cliches, and cheesiness. It certainly isn't the best Rocky but it's in my estimation the most entertaining Rocky film. Written and Directed by Sylvester Stallone himself, during the height of his star power and influence, when he could get any project green lit. Never to be confused by the sharp, witty dialogue of Aaron Sorkin or a Martin Scorsese level auteur, though you can argue that Sly certainly had a specific vision for this sequel. Nearly a third of the movie is composed of montages, including a montage in the middle of the film set to "No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper, which recapped the previous 3 Rocky films in a tidy 4:25. Would I have preferred a scene where Stallone performed a dramatic monologue to serve as the film's exposition? I don't think there was enough cocaine in the 1980's to convince him that he could channel Marlon Brando's "I could have been a contender" scene. 

We've reached the exact mid-way part in my blog series that I began on April 10, 2022, and I thought this would be a good time to do a check in. It's a tough ask to expect people to follow week to week and it's also tough for me to keep track of the anecdotes I've used already. So strap in for this glorified montage of blog entries, feel free to read while listening to "No Easy Way Out" or pick your favorite, cheesy 80's soundtrack. And see everyone next week.  

What was the purpose of this project again? This blog series was a deliberate attempt to rewrite the story, get out of my comfort zone as a side character in other people's stories, and step out as the protagonist of my own. I framed this project as an exploration of self-worth and getting to the roots of my various traumas and hangups. 

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/04/prologue-side-character-energy.html

How am I managing imposter syndrome and am I still creating facades to mask my fears? I still have imposter syndrome at times but I'm continuously trying to assure myself that I'm in fact deserving of the life I'm creating for myself and deserving of the things that I'm creating. As for leading with authenticity and openness with others, I've learned that it doesn't happen in a vacuum. While I can certainly control the time and place I choose to share my hopes, dreams, fears, and emotional triggers, I can't control if the other person is in the space to receive them. On one occasion I was emotionally triggered while on a date and had a dissociative episode where I proceeded to go on a long rant about my depression. On another, I felt myself similarly triggered and when I tried to show restraint, I was called of a brat for not wanting to engage in a debate. The takeaway I had from both experiences is the need to feel emotionally safe before I choose to open up (aka, read the room).

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/04/chapter-1-curated-facades-and-imposter.html

What is my brand? While existing in hyphenated identities along racial, gender, and socio-economic lines, I don't like to "Choose Kindness" because I don't feel like kindness is a birthright that is owed to people. For example, I observe the professional decorum AOC is expected to exhibit on the Congressional floor despite being the target of blatant racism, sexism, and misogyny by her Republican colleagues. I'd rather be known as a sincere person than a kind person; who treats others accordingly. Who tries to meet people as they are and not project my own internal drama onto them. But who can also respond to racist, sexist, misogynist, homophobic, xenophobic, and culturally insensitive remarks not with unwarranted kindness, but with sincerity; sincerely, go fuck yourself.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/04/chapter-2-business-cards-branding-and.html

Do I still feel like I belong both nowhere and everywhere? I compared myself to a palm tree with how I've had to be resilient: be uprooted several times, grow wherever there is water, and learn how to bend but not break. Sharing some of the career reinventions I underwent before I established my roots. One takeaway I had from those experiences is that I'm not defined by any individual experience but more so the resilience and perseverance to continue finding my purpose.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/05/chapter-3-palm-trees-growing-where.html

Do I still believe I'm damaged goods? I've done a lot of healing over the last few months. Healing for me has looked like therapy, more time reserved for my self-care, giving myself the space to "relapse" into depressive episodes and not beating myself up afterwards, and the love of a small group of friends. It's given me the courage to spread my wings again, even after I land with bumps and bruises.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/05/chapter-4-damaged-goods-codependency.html

Are there any Asian stereotypes I'm still unbecoming? Attending Simu Liu's book tour for his memoir We Were Dreamers helped me realize just how prevalent and internalized the model minority stereotype is for AAPI. It's encouraging that there are more and more AAPI fighting for representation and utilizing their platforms in whatever their chosen fields are. And if a MCU Superhero can struggle with identity and acceptance, then I can learn to stop beating myself about my racial dysmorphia. Oh, and there have been a few moments where I felt like I was an 8/10 on the Asian male!  

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/05/chapter-5-acceptably-unbecoming-model.html

Do I still believe that all masculinity is toxic? In the aftermath of Roe V. Wade being overturned and women's rights attacked by "Pro Lifers", I continued to observe patriarchal and misogynist views from both Conservatives and subliminally from the "woke" self-help and coaching communities. So unless the masculinity is interested in smashing the patriarchy and all other forms of oppression, I have no interest in your "Divine Masculinity" either.  

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/05/chapter-6.html

Am I still self-sabotaging? I'm trying to be less self-deprecating and receive praise and acknowledgement more graciously. And when I've had those moments of relapse into depression and self-pity, I acknowledged the occurrence without continuing to beat myself up for it.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/05/chapter-7-self-deprecation-self.html

What was up with your extended album cut analogy? This was the week I wanted to get more creative with my writing. I came across a quote from writer Jonathon Muncy Storm, "one of the biggest mistakes we make as humans is to believe that our pain is exclusive and our beauty is ordinary". This blog was my attempt to show that our pain can be inclusive and our beauty is extraordinary, if we choose to look with discerning eyes.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/06/chapter-8-connoisseur-album-cuts-hot.html

Do you feel whole and complete? I reflected on the various self-development courses I enrolled in 2018 as well as some of the insights I gained from them. While gradually accepting that I was "whole and complete" played an essential role in self-acceptance, thus beginning my journey toward self-actualization.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/06/chapter-9-a-ha-self-development-and.html 

How long did it take you to find your calling? I used this blog retelling my college experience and drifting around aimlessly, trying to find my place in life while the rest of the world seemed to have already figured themselves out. Just because I've been a late bloomer, doesn't mean that I wasn't on the right track. The higher the calling, the longer the journey. Apparently I needed to take the various detours I did and chase all these macguffins (objects, devices, or events that are necessary to the plot and the motivation of the characters, but insignificant, unimportant, or irrelevant in itself) to equip me for the road ahead.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/06/chapter-10-undeclared-better-late-than.html

What motivated you to talk about your mental health and suicidal thoughts? This blog was dedicated to Robin Williams and those we lost to suicide. I related to Williams' pathos to entertain and spread joy and how much of his self-worth he tied to that. It pained me to learn that some of our most beloved figures such as Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain felt such isolation and inner turmoil. I wanted to share mental health and suicide prevention can't be reduced to "if only they knew just how much they were loved", then everything will be okay. They often did know that, but sometimes that isn't enough to conquer one's demons. If I achieve one thing from this blog series, it's this message.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/06/chapter-11-robin-williams-kinship-and.html

Do you carry any regrets? While I'm disappointed and heartbroken about certain outcomes, I accept that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. And unless America Chavez punches a portal into another multi-verse, I won't be able to live another version of my life.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/07/chapter-12-wonderings-regrets-hindsight.html

Why did you write about the hero's journey? This was another creative experience I wanted to try. If this blog series was about making myself the protagonist of my own story, one form of storytelling is the hero's journey. I wanted to share my history with superheroes and comic fandom. Additionally, I wanted to link my origin of my "powers" and hero's journey was a response to my childhood traumas. This also coincided with a period where I was consuming way too much Marvel and DC content as my escapism.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/07/chapter-13-heros-journey-pt-1.html

What is a pyrrhic victory again? A pyrrhic victory is a win that comes at such a price that it doesn't feel like a win. My battles with mental health have been the biggest obstacles of my life and I wanted to describe in detail what a battle with depression feels like and share specific incident that triggered it. Especially with some of the weighty problems in our society today (climate change, a global pandemic, the failings of capitalism and corporate greed, insurrections, emboldened White Supremacists in every level of our government) maybe a neat and tidy happy ending is unrealistic for us. But that doesn't mean we can't fight for, acknowledge, and celebrate the small victories we do win.

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/07/chapter-14-heros-journey-pt-2-trial.html

Please tell me you've dropped your martyr complex? This was another important self-realization for me. It's one thing to be empathic, but why why do I always feel compelled to help and why do I allow myself to repeatedly burn out? A small part of my suicidal impulses had to do with this feeling of burn out, wishing I could finally extinguish the flame so I wouldn't need to keep going. Now I'm consciously working on monitoring my capacity to give and honoring when I need to significantly recharge. 

https://daniellee721.blogspot.com/2022/07/chapter-15-heros-journey-pt-3.html

Thus concludes the montage and reflections from the first 15 weeks. If the first half of my blog series was an exploration of self-worth, then I feel like the second half will be an exploration on self-actualization. Who knows what other sources of inspiration I'll pull from. So if I write a blog entry centered around Beyonce's new album, just go with it. 

Portrait Photography: https://www.zacharyleeportrait.com